Scared...what's new

First, a little about myself and my story. I am married to a gay man. We have been married for 21 years, but I have only known about his homosexuality for 2 1/2 years. When he came out to me, I honestly thought I was alone in my shock, horror and despair. I had NO idea how many wives are dealing with the same feelings I am. I started looking online and discovered so many sites dealing with my same situation. I have to say, most of what I read at first was soooooo negative and angry. Almost every marriage I read about failed or became an "open" marriage so both partners could have what they need physically. Wow. It was very depressing. I was just trying to get some support from people who totally understand, and everyone was telling me not to believe my husband. Expect the worst and be prepared for it financially, emotionally, etc. Have a PLAN B. Expect him to cheat on you if he hasn't already. Well, my husband is not like that! But, I began to doubt and those seeds of doubt crept in and invade my thoughts so much. I still suffer from feelings of doubt on a daily basis. I believe my husband is telling me the truth, but (yep, here comes the doubt again!)...I can't seem to shake it. I just want to be sure, to KNOW that he isn't looking for someone, to KNOW that he isn't and hasn't cheated on me, and to KNOW that he doesn't want to leave. It's just a confusing and difficult situation. I think I have my emotions all under control and then all of a sudden I don't.

A couple of days ago, my husband asked me what I thought about him going to have lunch with a man he met online. I knew he had connected with one of the bloggers here, and really enjoys chatting with him. I have noticed that this friend makes him feel so much better about himself and about the church, and I appreciate that. However, I have to be honest about this. I HATED the thought of him meeting this friend in person. Then I found out that he had to drive four hours to do it. I was shocked that he was really planning on doing that. I don't know why I was so shocked. He traveled thousands of miles to meet another online friend last summer. (Hmmm...maybe I have reason for this DOUBT creeping in all the time) Anyway, he knew how I felt and how worried and upset I was, but he went anyway. He doesn't think I trust him. That's not really it. I am worried that he is playing with fire so to speak. I know nothing happened that was inappropriate, but he put his foot in the door. How many more of his online friends will he have to meet? Is this going to be how it is from now on? Blogging, chatting and meeting....blogging, chatting and meeting? I may be overreacting, but I dare say that most other wives in my situation would feel pretty much the same. It honestly freaks me out.

I hate that my husband has to reassure me all the time about how much he loves me and how pretty I am and how he still desires me physically even though I'm a woman. I want to just be confident in who I am. I don't want to depend on him all the time for how I feel about myself. I know he has to be getting sick of trying to make me feel better all the time. I really feel sorry for him having to deal with me sometimes. BUT...I also know now that the way I feel is not strange. That there are other wives out there who feel this way too. I have kept how I feel inside for 2 1/2 years, only talking about it with my husband. None of my friends or family know anything because this is how I want it to be. I hope blogging will help me release some of these feelings so I can maybe become a more compassionate, supportive wife to my husband who has enough of his own things to deal with. I really do love him!