Yep...I'm feeling complete and total sexual frustration. It's all I can think about. I feel like a teenage boy does (I guess--haha!). What to do? I keep threatening my husband with "I am thinking about getting a boyfriend just to satisfy my physical needs." He always tells me, "Go ahead as long as he is cute." Well, I honestly would NEVER be so shallow. For one thing, nothing is more horrifying to me than taking off my clothes in front of someone besides my husband. Yikes! Another great reason is, I'm pretty sure that path would destroy my marriage, and I'm not willing to do that. Plus there's the fact that I would be committing adultery. I guess I won't really get a boyfriend. I do think about it sometimes though!
PS...I know ALL of you can relate to this post! Haha!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Bishop Blues
This is the FIRST time in my 43 years of life that I've really, really questioned anything church related. I know the Gospel is true. Period. BUT...I'm not sure how I feel about the human beings governing our church. Having a very hard time with our Bishop. My husband and I have known him for 20 years, most of those years in a non-religious setting. I know too much about him personally to really feel comfortable with him in the role of Bishop. I know deep in my heart it's wrong for me to judge him, and it's probably wrong for me to even question WHY he is the Bishop. But I am questioning it. Our son turned 8 in June. We had an extra busy summer and decided to wait until fall to baptize him when more of our family could be here with us. With the previous baptisms in our family, I called the Primary President to arrange the baptism and made an appointment with the Bishop for the child to be interviewed. Not so with child #5! The Bishop called my husband in for an interview. I can understand this I guess. We haven't been attending church regularly. I have worked a lot of Sundays this summer, and when I'm not here nobody goes to church. I'll say it....our family is inactive. (ouch!) First of all, the Bishop seemed surprised that my husband still wears his garments. I think he believes inactivity=sin. Anyway, he proceeded to conduct a temple interview to determine whether or not my husband is worthy to baptize our son. Needless to say, he did not "pass" the interview, and according to our Bishop, he is apparently NOT WORTHY. His sins are his inactivity in the church and our lack of tithing payments. I get the church attendance. I don't get the tithing part of it. What would have happened if my husband would have admitted that he is gay? Wow. He may have been excommunicated on the spot! I am half tempted to gather some priesthood holders together and go baptize our son in the river. Is that even "legal"? Anyway, for the time being our son will go unbaptized until we can muster up enough faith to be full tithe payers.
The previous experience is not the only reason I have a hard time with our Bishop. I'm really not looking for a reason to be inactive. I feel bad for my husband who struggles with the church anway because of his homosexuality. He never really feels accepted and comfortable there like I do. I'm sure many of you can totally relate to this. Being a Mormon is challenging when everything is "normal". Being a Mormon is EXTRA challenging when things aren't the "norm". Can I just schedule a meeting with Jesus Christ??? I have a few things I want to ask Him.
The previous experience is not the only reason I have a hard time with our Bishop. I'm really not looking for a reason to be inactive. I feel bad for my husband who struggles with the church anway because of his homosexuality. He never really feels accepted and comfortable there like I do. I'm sure many of you can totally relate to this. Being a Mormon is challenging when everything is "normal". Being a Mormon is EXTRA challenging when things aren't the "norm". Can I just schedule a meeting with Jesus Christ??? I have a few things I want to ask Him.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ignorance
Well, I've had my monthly meltdown, and I feel ready to face life and deal with "things" sanely again. I can't believe I get so emotional and OUT OF CONTROL twelve times a year. WHY??? Is there some drug I can take that will keep my behavior in check during these times? My poor, poor husband. He really does try so hard to understand and make me feel better. But, he is right....nothing he does or says makes me feel better when I am like this. I'm pretty sure he is at least as frustrated as I am! Anyway, I'm good to go for another month or so. Bring it on!
I was waiting to donate blood the other day, and this woman I know had just finished reading that red foldered booklet the American Cross requires each donor to read. She made a comment to me that really pissed me off (for lack of a better term). She said, "Have you ever slept with a gay man? I can't believe they even ask that question!!!" and she said this is a very disgusted tone of voice. I made the comment that I actually have slept with a gay man. Of course she laughed it off and went about her ignorant ways. I don't know why that made me so upset. I guess because she's one of those "holier than thou" mormon women who don't really know what they're saying a lot of times. I went home and told my husband what had happened and how much I hate this person. He just laughed and had compassion for her because of her ignorance. (And hate is not too strong a word to use because I've had other "ignorant" experiences with this same woman. I know her quite well.)
Another ignorant experience...I was visiting my parents last week for a few days. I love to see my Mom and Dad. They are great people and so much fun to be around. However, they too are ignorant. Dad was telling me about a high school principal or some other school official who knew about a male teacher who had sexually abused a 13 year old boy but did not report it. He then went on to say that the reason he didn't report it is because "he's one of those gay rights activists". WOW! My own father. He is basically saying that gay men are pedophiles! How many other heterosexual people think this is true?
I am shocked at the level of ignorance out there! It really upsets me. I hope be able to feel compassion for these people someday, but right now it just makes me mad. I am happy my husband is so tolerant. I guess he's been dealing with this issue on a very personal basis for a long, long time. It's only been 3 years for me. Sometimes I think coming out to our families would be helpful as far as the ignorance is concerned.
I am thankful our children are so tolerant and accepting of people who are different than they are. Our daughters' seminary teacher has said so many ignorant things concerning homosexuality. One of our girls gets so upset about this! She is usually in tears by the time she finishes telling us about what had been said. We tell her that the teacher is not a bad person, but just ignorant. Some of what she teaches the kids about homosexuality is not even gospel doctrine, as far as I know. We have a lot of discussions around the dinner table about gay people. We watched "Prayers for Bobby" as a family, and we've talked about it a lot. I am proud of our children for standing up for what they believe.
I was waiting to donate blood the other day, and this woman I know had just finished reading that red foldered booklet the American Cross requires each donor to read. She made a comment to me that really pissed me off (for lack of a better term). She said, "Have you ever slept with a gay man? I can't believe they even ask that question!!!" and she said this is a very disgusted tone of voice. I made the comment that I actually have slept with a gay man. Of course she laughed it off and went about her ignorant ways. I don't know why that made me so upset. I guess because she's one of those "holier than thou" mormon women who don't really know what they're saying a lot of times. I went home and told my husband what had happened and how much I hate this person. He just laughed and had compassion for her because of her ignorance. (And hate is not too strong a word to use because I've had other "ignorant" experiences with this same woman. I know her quite well.)
Another ignorant experience...I was visiting my parents last week for a few days. I love to see my Mom and Dad. They are great people and so much fun to be around. However, they too are ignorant. Dad was telling me about a high school principal or some other school official who knew about a male teacher who had sexually abused a 13 year old boy but did not report it. He then went on to say that the reason he didn't report it is because "he's one of those gay rights activists". WOW! My own father. He is basically saying that gay men are pedophiles! How many other heterosexual people think this is true?
I am shocked at the level of ignorance out there! It really upsets me. I hope be able to feel compassion for these people someday, but right now it just makes me mad. I am happy my husband is so tolerant. I guess he's been dealing with this issue on a very personal basis for a long, long time. It's only been 3 years for me. Sometimes I think coming out to our families would be helpful as far as the ignorance is concerned.
I am thankful our children are so tolerant and accepting of people who are different than they are. Our daughters' seminary teacher has said so many ignorant things concerning homosexuality. One of our girls gets so upset about this! She is usually in tears by the time she finishes telling us about what had been said. We tell her that the teacher is not a bad person, but just ignorant. Some of what she teaches the kids about homosexuality is not even gospel doctrine, as far as I know. We have a lot of discussions around the dinner table about gay people. We watched "Prayers for Bobby" as a family, and we've talked about it a lot. I am proud of our children for standing up for what they believe.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
My Hero
I don't always have "downer" days. Today is one of those days when I feel at peace with my marriage. All it takes is for my husband to do something really nice for me, and I know it's all worthwhile.
I am co-director of girls' camp, and the other director is my best friend. Well, due to health problems that have to be resolved immediately, she is unable to go to camp. CAMP IS IN 3 DAYS!!! I just found out yesterday that I'm going it alone. Yes, I freaked out. I'm not good at spur of the moment anything. Well, I have the most understanding husband in the world I think. He made me feel sooooo much better. Said ALL the right things, went with me to get a humongous diet Pepsi, and was just so supportive and compassionate. I realized that when I think times are rough, and I'm not sure about being married to who I'm married to....I need to remember the little, super nice things he does for me. I feel very fortunate.
One more nice thing....he took our girls' shopping for stuff they need for basketball camp next week. This may not seem like a big deal, but we live 100 miles from the nearest mall. I was planning on doing it, but have been sick for the past couple of days and have been working anyway. I had planned on leaving after work this afternoon even though I really didn't feel up to it. I was just gonna suck it up and do it anyway. Well...my husband to the rescue again. I just really appreciate all the little things he does that he doesn't feel are a big deal. They are to me. THANK YOU, sweetie. I know you're reading this post.
I am co-director of girls' camp, and the other director is my best friend. Well, due to health problems that have to be resolved immediately, she is unable to go to camp. CAMP IS IN 3 DAYS!!! I just found out yesterday that I'm going it alone. Yes, I freaked out. I'm not good at spur of the moment anything. Well, I have the most understanding husband in the world I think. He made me feel sooooo much better. Said ALL the right things, went with me to get a humongous diet Pepsi, and was just so supportive and compassionate. I realized that when I think times are rough, and I'm not sure about being married to who I'm married to....I need to remember the little, super nice things he does for me. I feel very fortunate.
One more nice thing....he took our girls' shopping for stuff they need for basketball camp next week. This may not seem like a big deal, but we live 100 miles from the nearest mall. I was planning on doing it, but have been sick for the past couple of days and have been working anyway. I had planned on leaving after work this afternoon even though I really didn't feel up to it. I was just gonna suck it up and do it anyway. Well...my husband to the rescue again. I just really appreciate all the little things he does that he doesn't feel are a big deal. They are to me. THANK YOU, sweetie. I know you're reading this post.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds!
It has been many months since I've visited my blog or read any other blogs. I haven't felt the need to for awhile. I'm not sure why I have been feeling like writing lately. For two days my feelings have been in turmoil. Not sure why. Not sure what to do about them either. Guess I'll just write. Every time I read blogs here, I end up with an ulcer. Ok...maybe not, but at least a stomachache! Maybe it's my new diet plan. Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds. WHY DO I STILL GET THIS WAY SOMETIMES??? It is so frustrating! I want to completely and wholeheartedly accept my marriage the way it is and be OK with it. Why can't I??? Sometimes I can. I have been able to feel all right for weeks at a time. Then something happens and I feel like I'm back at square one. I know my husband is frustrated with me too. I'm sure he is wondering when/if I will ever be okay. I really do want to be.
I went to Women's Conference at BYU a few weeks ago and left there feeling so uplifted and ready to conquer the world (or at least my own issues). What happened to that feeling? I had great plans to come home and be that person I know I can be. I really feel like I found some answers at the conference, but why can't I implement them in my life? I want to share some of the things I learned with my husband, but I don't think he wants to listen to anything spiritual right now. I always end up feeling kind of silly talking so seriously with him. Then sometimes I feel like maybe I can help him recapture some of the spiritual feelings he used to have. I really do understand why he feels like he does about the Church. I'm not sure that I wouldn't feel and act the exact same way if I were in his shoes. It's all so NOT black and white.
Our intimacy issues continue to be a sore spot for me. What happened? We didn't have any problems a year ago with this. All of a sudden it's a huge deal. I have so many questions about our past sex life. I think I've asked him the same questions about a million times. Were you faking it all those thousands of times? (and I don't mean "faking it" in that sense!) Did you feel obligated to be physical with me? I'm sure he would answer "yes" sometimes. I'm sure I would too. Every time we were intimate, were you really with me? Do you like to touch me? Do you like it when I touch you or would you rather I not? This is where I am right now in my thinking. I don't touch him because I wonder if he's getting grossed out. After 22 years you would think I would be a little more secure! GEEZ. So...I'm not sure where to go with this. Part of me wants to just go for it and see what happens. Maybe we can get our old "spark" (or whatever it was) back. It's so complicated. That reminds me...there's a song by Bon Jovi called "Complicated" that was written about my husband. Wow...that was random. I am all about random thoughts. I can't just focus on one thought for long. My brain is going a million miles an hour usually.
Whew...I feel better. This entry may not make a bit of sense to anyone but me. However, I feel like part of my load has been lifted. I need to do this more often.
I went to Women's Conference at BYU a few weeks ago and left there feeling so uplifted and ready to conquer the world (or at least my own issues). What happened to that feeling? I had great plans to come home and be that person I know I can be. I really feel like I found some answers at the conference, but why can't I implement them in my life? I want to share some of the things I learned with my husband, but I don't think he wants to listen to anything spiritual right now. I always end up feeling kind of silly talking so seriously with him. Then sometimes I feel like maybe I can help him recapture some of the spiritual feelings he used to have. I really do understand why he feels like he does about the Church. I'm not sure that I wouldn't feel and act the exact same way if I were in his shoes. It's all so NOT black and white.
Our intimacy issues continue to be a sore spot for me. What happened? We didn't have any problems a year ago with this. All of a sudden it's a huge deal. I have so many questions about our past sex life. I think I've asked him the same questions about a million times. Were you faking it all those thousands of times? (and I don't mean "faking it" in that sense!) Did you feel obligated to be physical with me? I'm sure he would answer "yes" sometimes. I'm sure I would too. Every time we were intimate, were you really with me? Do you like to touch me? Do you like it when I touch you or would you rather I not? This is where I am right now in my thinking. I don't touch him because I wonder if he's getting grossed out. After 22 years you would think I would be a little more secure! GEEZ. So...I'm not sure where to go with this. Part of me wants to just go for it and see what happens. Maybe we can get our old "spark" (or whatever it was) back. It's so complicated. That reminds me...there's a song by Bon Jovi called "Complicated" that was written about my husband. Wow...that was random. I am all about random thoughts. I can't just focus on one thought for long. My brain is going a million miles an hour usually.
Whew...I feel better. This entry may not make a bit of sense to anyone but me. However, I feel like part of my load has been lifted. I need to do this more often.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
New Techniques for Turning Your Man On!!!
It has been very slow at work lately and I've been flipping through different magazines lying around. Sex seems to be the main topic in most of them...man/woman sex....heterosexual sex. How to please your man....New "never fail" technique for putting the spark back in your relationship....Make him WANT you with this one small trick....etc. I used to love to read this kind of article. I thought I was gaining all kinds of knowledge that would for sure work in my marriage. BUT...that was BEFORE I found out the one thing that has changed how I feel about almost everything. Isn't there an abbreviation for that? (You know...like B.C. and A.D.) Anyway, I hardly ever read those articles now. It's okay because they never really worked anyway! Haha!
Speaking of written word that doesn't really apply to me...the book by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Hmmmm. I read that one front to back just knowing that it would change my life and our marriage. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking that my husband's needs are more than the several Dr. Laura mentions in her book. I realized even back then that our marriage was not like most. My husband needs more than food and sex to be happy. Sure, some of the stuff applies, but he's not that simple.
Looking back on our marriage there are alot of signs that things were not really as they appeared to be. I thought it was weird that he didn't really get off on seeing me in lingerie. Not even when we first got married and I looked great in it. I wasn't really upset about that, I just eventually gave it all to my sister. I also thought it was strange that he wasn't into sex as much as I was. I'm not saying I haven't had my dry spells. I have just always heard that men want sex all the time. Not in my marriage. I think the main reason I never suspected I have a gay husband is that he has always seemed to like to have sex with me. That part of our marriage has been really good most of the time. Even though the quantity isn't the best, the quality is great!
Now that I know what I do, I am pretty reluctant to start anything physical. I am even afraid that kissing him is not the right thing to do. Does he hate it? Does he want to puke every time I touch him in a sexual way? Does he have to fantasize every time we're together to make things work? I really did think we had a good if not great sex life. Now I'm just not sure. He says things are not the same since I know his big secret. He is worried he is not man enough for me. His manhood has never been an issue in my eyes. I don't think he is any less of a man because he is gay. I am still just as physically attracted to him as I always have been. I still love to have sex with him!
All of this is probably more than any of you wanted to know, but I'm sure we are not alone in how we feel. I just love my husband, and I don't want to be celibate. LOL...that makes me laugh. I told him I am going into the convent soon. Sister CiCi. I don't think I'd look great in a nun's habit, so I guess I'll stay married and Mormon for now. I do wish someone would come out with a magazine article or a "how to" book just for me. Maybe I'll give Dr. Laura a call.
Speaking of written word that doesn't really apply to me...the book by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Hmmmm. I read that one front to back just knowing that it would change my life and our marriage. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking that my husband's needs are more than the several Dr. Laura mentions in her book. I realized even back then that our marriage was not like most. My husband needs more than food and sex to be happy. Sure, some of the stuff applies, but he's not that simple.
Looking back on our marriage there are alot of signs that things were not really as they appeared to be. I thought it was weird that he didn't really get off on seeing me in lingerie. Not even when we first got married and I looked great in it. I wasn't really upset about that, I just eventually gave it all to my sister. I also thought it was strange that he wasn't into sex as much as I was. I'm not saying I haven't had my dry spells. I have just always heard that men want sex all the time. Not in my marriage. I think the main reason I never suspected I have a gay husband is that he has always seemed to like to have sex with me. That part of our marriage has been really good most of the time. Even though the quantity isn't the best, the quality is great!
Now that I know what I do, I am pretty reluctant to start anything physical. I am even afraid that kissing him is not the right thing to do. Does he hate it? Does he want to puke every time I touch him in a sexual way? Does he have to fantasize every time we're together to make things work? I really did think we had a good if not great sex life. Now I'm just not sure. He says things are not the same since I know his big secret. He is worried he is not man enough for me. His manhood has never been an issue in my eyes. I don't think he is any less of a man because he is gay. I am still just as physically attracted to him as I always have been. I still love to have sex with him!
All of this is probably more than any of you wanted to know, but I'm sure we are not alone in how we feel. I just love my husband, and I don't want to be celibate. LOL...that makes me laugh. I told him I am going into the convent soon. Sister CiCi. I don't think I'd look great in a nun's habit, so I guess I'll stay married and Mormon for now. I do wish someone would come out with a magazine article or a "how to" book just for me. Maybe I'll give Dr. Laura a call.
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