So, I have been wanting to write for several weeks, but I am NEVER alone in my house. I can't have people reading over my shoulder, wondering what I'm doing. We are still in the closet...nobody knows about our gay/straight marriage except for you people here and my husband and myself. Sometimes that is a pain, but it's my choice for now. I keep thinking I will get a laptop so I can go in my room and lock the door. FREEDOM! Anyway, I will write what I can in my small time frame. I'm sure chaos will resume shortly here.
First random thought...I read a letter to the editor a few days ago about a woman with five children whose gay husband left her to explore other relationships. I can't even remember why she wrote the letter now, but when I told my husband about it, his first question was, "Her kids are grown and gone, right?". WELL...that started an intense discussion. What difference does that make? It's okay to leave your wife when your kids are gone? I married my husband fully expecting to be with him forever. We were married in the temple, we have children together, we have been married for many years, we've been through a lot together, we are best friends. I honestly thought we'd grow old together and have fun with our grandkids together; stage family reunions and family parties and dinners; go to our grandkids' ball games and dance recitals together, etc. Now all of that is so uncertain. He can't honestly say that he has plans to be with me forever. Remember my doubt issue? It's surfacing again, and it sucks! I went into my marriage assuming a lot of things that weren't true. Guess I should have asked. I love my husband and I want nothing more than for us to be together forever. BUT...I have told him that if he's still gay when we die, I will release him from our marriage. He doesn't have to be with me for all eternity. I did tell him the other night in bed that if he dies first and is still gay, to at least build me a nice mansion before he moves on to his life of eternal gay bliss.
Random thought number two...if I get breast augmentation surgery, will my husband be any more sexually attracted to me? Haha...I know this is a funny question, but the thought has crossed my mind. I asked him and he told me if it would make me feel prettier and sexier, then I should do it. Way to skirt the question! I already know the answer though. Damn. The only reason I have seriously thought about this is because my sister just did it, and she looks hot!
Random thought number three...I think I really am the wife from hell! Thanksgiving weekend my husband's sister and family were in town staying at his parents' house. They have 3 kids, and one of them smells so bad! I was trying to get and keep the house clean because my sister and her husband were arriving the day after Thanksgiving with their 3 kids. They don't come that often so I wanted things to be perfect. Well, that was so unrealistic of me to think that could even happen! We had so many kids everywhere...our own five kids, 4 nieces and nephews (including the stinky one) and several friends. I had just finished the dishes and kitchen when a bunch of them (including my husband) came in a started fixing something to eat even though we had just finished eating an hour ago. I lost it. I went in the bedroom after saying some not-very-nice things and slammed the door. I could hear everyone sitting around the kitchen table making fun of me and laughing at how psycho I am when we have company coming. My husband tells me all the time that when my family comes we have kiss and giggle time even though I've been super grouchy for days beforehand. It's true, but it still pisses me off to hear him say that all the time. Anyway, I grabbed my phone and texted my husband. I said, "You are an asshole." I sent it, and immediately felt bad. I tried to find his phone to erase the message before he saw it, but I couldn't find his phone. I knew I'd regret that text for years to come! I really did feel that way about him at the time, but I shouldn't have said it. We didn't really speak to each other for about a week after that incident, but I am happy to say that it's the source of great amusement now. He even told his mom that I did that, and she said she calls his dad that sometimes too. Haha! Maybe I really am the wife from hell. I don't know.
Random thought number four...why do I feel such guilt about not being the perfect Mormon woman if the celestial kingdom may not even be an option for us? If my husband is still gay in the afterlife, I won't be with him. Neither one of us can live like this eternally. So why even strive for that? It's a lot of work, and if we aren't going to be together anyway, is it worth living like we're supposed to to achieve that glory? There are just so many unanswered questions, and such lack of information. Nobody knows what will happen after we die. I know I need to have faith that things will work out. I know I shouldn't worry about something I have no control over, but that doesn't make this any easier. I just wish I could feel peaceful about our situation.
Whew! I actually finished at one sitting. Only one close call. My daughter came over and started reading over my shoulder. (See! I knew that would happen.) I got all flustered and tried to minimize this, but did something else instead. Whatever. She didn't stay long, and hopefully she saw nothing incriminating. I hate living in a closet sometimes!
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7 comments:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! It might amaze you, but I have some of the same thoughts sometimes about being an ornery and horrible wife, or wondering what eternity will really bring. I guess my hope for eternity is that I know polygamy is supposed to be eternal, so if gayness is too, then maybe we can be a polygamist eternal family! ha!
Anyway, reading your post also helps me realize how grateful I am that we are so out of the closet. The freedom is so nice. But I understand that everyone needs to take things at their own pace.
Good luck! This is such a hard thing, and I empathize with what you are going through. Hang in there. Email me ANY TIME (if you can get a chance alone with a computer).
Oh, one more thing. One of the things I said to Scott the first few days was that I might as well get rid of my sexy lingerie. I had recently been wanting something new. He commented that the lingerie did nothing for him, but if I wanted it to make myself feel more sexy or whatever, I was welcome to.
What are we to do?
:)
We all have lots of questions that the Church has no idea how to answer. I cling to the hope that at some point all this will become so urgent in the prophet's mind that he will spend as much time on his knees asking for new guidance as Spencer Kimball did on the priesthood question. Meantime, we get along as best we can with what we've been given. Doesn't make it any easier, of course, but I hope it helps you to know that others are just as full of frustrations and questions.
My wife, Miki, and I both feel that my homosexual inclinations are not something that will pass beyond this life, that really, these inclinations allow me to express the other positive attributes I have -- but that this won't be an issue once the "faulty biological home" for my spirit is out of the question.
That's our thought. That's why we strive.
I have recently stumbled upon this issue of MOM and have just been jumping from blog to blog. Although I am in a heterosexual marriage (I guess that is what its called) I am working on a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and this subject fascinates me. I never realized there were so many of you out there. And I appreciate your honesty so much. ANYWAY, I just read your post and thought this may help. This is a quote from Elder Wickman, from a press release between LDS Public Affairs and Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman: "One question that might be asked by somebody who is struggling with same-sex gender attraction is...'when I appear on the other side, what will I be like?' Gratefully, the answer is that same-gender attraction did not exist in the pre-earth life and neither will it exist in the next life. It is a circumstance that for whatever reason or reasons seems to apply right now in mortality, in this nano-second of our eternal existence. The good news for somebody who is struggling with same-gender attraction is this: 1) It is that 'I'm not stuck with this forever.' It's just now...If I can keep covenants that I have made, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life that Heavenly Father holds out to all His children apply to me. Every blessing - including eternal marriage - and will be mine in due course." Hope this helps.
I'm sorry to say that the Oaks / Wickman interview brings me little hope or consolation. This life doesn't seem short or temporary when you long for something that you need in your core, have desperately wanted most of your life and seems such an indelible part of your being.
Longings for same sex affection are deep seated and painful for many of us. Being told that we simply need to endure for a lifetime, craving what our neighbors enjoy every day of their lives is a cruel and very insensitive notion.
Same sex attraction seems so integral to my core as a man that I simply can't imagine being "relieved" of it in any context or state of being. I also find the concept that I am unexplicably broken and in need of repair to be offensive.
I'm sorry Crystal, but it doesn't help. Can you imagine not being attracted to men in the next life? Would you want that?
I'm sorry if I've shocked the blogosphere, but I just can't get in step with this concept that it will all go away in the next life. It's just who I am and I don't think I get to choose.
Respectfully, Silver
Silver, I'm afraid that my feelings are with you on this one.
A few days after Scott came out to me, I told a dear friend/fellow teacher. Her first comment was that we would only have to endure the affects of it for another 50 to 70 years, and then eternity would be fine.
Later we talked about her comment. She is a very spiritual person and it is just what came to her head at the time. She didn't know that the church's stance was the same. She feels strongly that she was inspired to tell me that.
For, me, though, my heart does not believe it, but hopes for it I guess. I haven't actually prayed about that in particular, because I think I am afraid of the answer I might get. So for now, I just believe that God makes everything work out the way it supposed to, and so if that means that Scott will change, great! If that means he won't, that is okay too. He will still be the same wonderful person that loves me and if it is truly heaven, there will be someone else for him, too. I really wasn't kidding when I made the polygamy comment earlier in this discussion. :} Sorry if that bothers anyone.
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