Random Thoughts

So, I have been wanting to write for several weeks, but I am NEVER alone in my house. I can't have people reading over my shoulder, wondering what I'm doing. We are still in the closet...nobody knows about our gay/straight marriage except for you people here and my husband and myself. Sometimes that is a pain, but it's my choice for now. I keep thinking I will get a laptop so I can go in my room and lock the door. FREEDOM! Anyway, I will write what I can in my small time frame. I'm sure chaos will resume shortly here.

First random thought...I read a letter to the editor a few days ago about a woman with five children whose gay husband left her to explore other relationships. I can't even remember why she wrote the letter now, but when I told my husband about it, his first question was, "Her kids are grown and gone, right?". WELL...that started an intense discussion. What difference does that make? It's okay to leave your wife when your kids are gone? I married my husband fully expecting to be with him forever. We were married in the temple, we have children together, we have been married for many years, we've been through a lot together, we are best friends. I honestly thought we'd grow old together and have fun with our grandkids together; stage family reunions and family parties and dinners; go to our grandkids' ball games and dance recitals together, etc. Now all of that is so uncertain. He can't honestly say that he has plans to be with me forever. Remember my doubt issue? It's surfacing again, and it sucks! I went into my marriage assuming a lot of things that weren't true. Guess I should have asked. I love my husband and I want nothing more than for us to be together forever. BUT...I have told him that if he's still gay when we die, I will release him from our marriage. He doesn't have to be with me for all eternity. I did tell him the other night in bed that if he dies first and is still gay, to at least build me a nice mansion before he moves on to his life of eternal gay bliss.

Random thought number two...if I get breast augmentation surgery, will my husband be any more sexually attracted to me? Haha...I know this is a funny question, but the thought has crossed my mind. I asked him and he told me if it would make me feel prettier and sexier, then I should do it. Way to skirt the question! I already know the answer though. Damn. The only reason I have seriously thought about this is because my sister just did it, and she looks hot!

Random thought number three...I think I really am the wife from hell! Thanksgiving weekend my husband's sister and family were in town staying at his parents' house. They have 3 kids, and one of them smells so bad! I was trying to get and keep the house clean because my sister and her husband were arriving the day after Thanksgiving with their 3 kids. They don't come that often so I wanted things to be perfect. Well, that was so unrealistic of me to think that could even happen! We had so many kids everywhere...our own five kids, 4 nieces and nephews (including the stinky one) and several friends. I had just finished the dishes and kitchen when a bunch of them (including my husband) came in a started fixing something to eat even though we had just finished eating an hour ago. I lost it. I went in the bedroom after saying some not-very-nice things and slammed the door. I could hear everyone sitting around the kitchen table making fun of me and laughing at how psycho I am when we have company coming. My husband tells me all the time that when my family comes we have kiss and giggle time even though I've been super grouchy for days beforehand. It's true, but it still pisses me off to hear him say that all the time. Anyway, I grabbed my phone and texted my husband. I said, "You are an asshole." I sent it, and immediately felt bad. I tried to find his phone to erase the message before he saw it, but I couldn't find his phone. I knew I'd regret that text for years to come! I really did feel that way about him at the time, but I shouldn't have said it. We didn't really speak to each other for about a week after that incident, but I am happy to say that it's the source of great amusement now. He even told his mom that I did that, and she said she calls his dad that sometimes too. Haha! Maybe I really am the wife from hell. I don't know.

Random thought number four...why do I feel such guilt about not being the perfect Mormon woman if the celestial kingdom may not even be an option for us? If my husband is still gay in the afterlife, I won't be with him. Neither one of us can live like this eternally. So why even strive for that? It's a lot of work, and if we aren't going to be together anyway, is it worth living like we're supposed to to achieve that glory? There are just so many unanswered questions, and such lack of information. Nobody knows what will happen after we die. I know I need to have faith that things will work out. I know I shouldn't worry about something I have no control over, but that doesn't make this any easier. I just wish I could feel peaceful about our situation.

Whew! I actually finished at one sitting. Only one close call. My daughter came over and started reading over my shoulder. (See! I knew that would happen.) I got all flustered and tried to minimize this, but did something else instead. Whatever. She didn't stay long, and hopefully she saw nothing incriminating. I hate living in a closet sometimes!

Basketball and Life

I was sitting at my daughter's high school basketball game a couple of days ago, and I started thinking about "things". Our team wasn't doing so well...we were down by about 20 points. The thought came into my mind that life is a lot like a basketball game. Before the game began, everyone was all excited and pumped up to play. The music was loud, the energy level was high, the attitudes were all positive...we were going to win! No doubt about it! Things were great until the other team scored, and scored , and scored again. Wow...all of a sudden things weren't so "for sure". What we thought was going to be a fairly easy victory, suddenly wasn't anymore. Our team ended up losing the game by quite a few points. Spirits were down and that positive energy that was there in the beginning wasn't there anymore. We all felt bad for a few hours or a day or two, but then things got back to normal and everybody is ok. Life goes on. There will be another game to play on another day, and our attitudes will be positive again and the energy will be high.

This just reminds me so much of my life lately. Ups and downs, high energy and no energy, positive attitude and negative attitude. Maybe nothing is how I imagined it would be, but I am hanging in there and everything is turning out ok. Maybe I don't feel like I'm winning at the game of life all the time, but today ends and there is always tomorrow to start over with a new attitude and renewed hope.

The Things I Like Most About Being Married to a Gay Man

Since my post last night was pretty emotional...here's a light hearted one.

THE THINGS I LIKE MOST ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO A GAY MAN:

*He watches chick flicks with me. He will actually go to a theater to do this! No hiding in the house with the blinds closed for him. He is not embarrassed about it at all. I think it's great!
*He likes to go shopping. I have never had to hurry because he is complaining. Doesn't happen.
*We have great conversations. He is very easy to talk to, and he likes to listen to me (or at least he does a great job of pretending to like it).
*He washes dishes A LOT.
*He knows how to cook, and doesn't mind doing dinner duties once in awhile.
*He loves being a dad. He genuinely loves spending time with our kids.
*He is very affectionate. Lots of hugs!
*He is masculine. Anyone who thinks all gay men are femmy....not so.
*He is just a great, honest, strong, compassionate person, and I love him in spite of our differences!

Scared...what's new

First, a little about myself and my story. I am married to a gay man. We have been married for 21 years, but I have only known about his homosexuality for 2 1/2 years. When he came out to me, I honestly thought I was alone in my shock, horror and despair. I had NO idea how many wives are dealing with the same feelings I am. I started looking online and discovered so many sites dealing with my same situation. I have to say, most of what I read at first was soooooo negative and angry. Almost every marriage I read about failed or became an "open" marriage so both partners could have what they need physically. Wow. It was very depressing. I was just trying to get some support from people who totally understand, and everyone was telling me not to believe my husband. Expect the worst and be prepared for it financially, emotionally, etc. Have a PLAN B. Expect him to cheat on you if he hasn't already. Well, my husband is not like that! But, I began to doubt and those seeds of doubt crept in and invade my thoughts so much. I still suffer from feelings of doubt on a daily basis. I believe my husband is telling me the truth, but (yep, here comes the doubt again!)...I can't seem to shake it. I just want to be sure, to KNOW that he isn't looking for someone, to KNOW that he isn't and hasn't cheated on me, and to KNOW that he doesn't want to leave. It's just a confusing and difficult situation. I think I have my emotions all under control and then all of a sudden I don't.

A couple of days ago, my husband asked me what I thought about him going to have lunch with a man he met online. I knew he had connected with one of the bloggers here, and really enjoys chatting with him. I have noticed that this friend makes him feel so much better about himself and about the church, and I appreciate that. However, I have to be honest about this. I HATED the thought of him meeting this friend in person. Then I found out that he had to drive four hours to do it. I was shocked that he was really planning on doing that. I don't know why I was so shocked. He traveled thousands of miles to meet another online friend last summer. (Hmmm...maybe I have reason for this DOUBT creeping in all the time) Anyway, he knew how I felt and how worried and upset I was, but he went anyway. He doesn't think I trust him. That's not really it. I am worried that he is playing with fire so to speak. I know nothing happened that was inappropriate, but he put his foot in the door. How many more of his online friends will he have to meet? Is this going to be how it is from now on? Blogging, chatting and meeting....blogging, chatting and meeting? I may be overreacting, but I dare say that most other wives in my situation would feel pretty much the same. It honestly freaks me out.

I hate that my husband has to reassure me all the time about how much he loves me and how pretty I am and how he still desires me physically even though I'm a woman. I want to just be confident in who I am. I don't want to depend on him all the time for how I feel about myself. I know he has to be getting sick of trying to make me feel better all the time. I really feel sorry for him having to deal with me sometimes. BUT...I also know now that the way I feel is not strange. That there are other wives out there who feel this way too. I have kept how I feel inside for 2 1/2 years, only talking about it with my husband. None of my friends or family know anything because this is how I want it to be. I hope blogging will help me release some of these feelings so I can maybe become a more compassionate, supportive wife to my husband who has enough of his own things to deal with. I really do love him!