It has been very slow at work lately and I've been flipping through different magazines lying around. Sex seems to be the main topic in most of them...man/woman sex....heterosexual sex. How to please your man....New "never fail" technique for putting the spark back in your relationship....Make him WANT you with this one small trick....etc. I used to love to read this kind of article. I thought I was gaining all kinds of knowledge that would for sure work in my marriage. BUT...that was BEFORE I found out the one thing that has changed how I feel about almost everything. Isn't there an abbreviation for that? (You know...like B.C. and A.D.) Anyway, I hardly ever read those articles now. It's okay because they never really worked anyway! Haha!
Speaking of written word that doesn't really apply to me...the book by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Hmmmm. I read that one front to back just knowing that it would change my life and our marriage. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking that my husband's needs are more than the several Dr. Laura mentions in her book. I realized even back then that our marriage was not like most. My husband needs more than food and sex to be happy. Sure, some of the stuff applies, but he's not that simple.
Looking back on our marriage there are alot of signs that things were not really as they appeared to be. I thought it was weird that he didn't really get off on seeing me in lingerie. Not even when we first got married and I looked great in it. I wasn't really upset about that, I just eventually gave it all to my sister. I also thought it was strange that he wasn't into sex as much as I was. I'm not saying I haven't had my dry spells. I have just always heard that men want sex all the time. Not in my marriage. I think the main reason I never suspected I have a gay husband is that he has always seemed to like to have sex with me. That part of our marriage has been really good most of the time. Even though the quantity isn't the best, the quality is great!
Now that I know what I do, I am pretty reluctant to start anything physical. I am even afraid that kissing him is not the right thing to do. Does he hate it? Does he want to puke every time I touch him in a sexual way? Does he have to fantasize every time we're together to make things work? I really did think we had a good if not great sex life. Now I'm just not sure. He says things are not the same since I know his big secret. He is worried he is not man enough for me. His manhood has never been an issue in my eyes. I don't think he is any less of a man because he is gay. I am still just as physically attracted to him as I always have been. I still love to have sex with him!
All of this is probably more than any of you wanted to know, but I'm sure we are not alone in how we feel. I just love my husband, and I don't want to be celibate. LOL...that makes me laugh. I told him I am going into the convent soon. Sister CiCi. I don't think I'd look great in a nun's habit, so I guess I'll stay married and Mormon for now. I do wish someone would come out with a magazine article or a "how to" book just for me. Maybe I'll give Dr. Laura a call.
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4 comments:
I was going to blog more about sex but never did. I guess I kind of chickened out.
I started to comment, and then decided it was turning into a blog post, so stay tuned on my blog later! (I want to get Scott's approval for some of it first.)
Anyway, just know that I truly do feel your pain and hope that you can work through it together to figure out how to make your sex life as good as it can be for both of you. Scott and my overall relationship improves as we are able to talk about and work through every aspect of our marriage and thereby better understand each other.
Cici~
I am in the same boat as you. I wish I could find that how to book that you talk about! If you find one let me know :)
I hope you don't mind a man intruding on this discussion, a gay man...
Thanks for these thoughts! I'm going to ask my wife tonight if she worries that I might be repulsed by her or that I have to fanaticize to be aroused with her. By the way, the answer is no to both. Although I’m most attracted to men, I love intimacy with my wife and have never found it to be repulsive, although I know some men do and have to work at overcoming that in marriage.
My wife was very hurt at my use of pornography. That was perhaps the item that most repulsed her about her new awareness of my issues. I came out to myself and her after 18 years of marriage. It has been hard for me to initiate intimacy since I fear I might push her boundaries and violate her new comfort zone. I've tried to be sensitive to her needs and to not be demanding.
One of the hardest parts of our mutual struggle in intimacy has been the pain of not being able to convince her that I do in fact find her attractive and desirable. I really am not repulsed by sex with a woman and I don't consider it to be mearly and obligation. I love my intimacy with her and her femininity. I just happen to be more attracted to men and that is very problematic for me.
Thanks for letting me step into the feminine channel. I hope you don't mind. I benefited by what you have written.
Thanks
Silver
How about B.D. for "Before Disclosure" and P.D. for "Post Disclosure".
Regards,
Philip
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