Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds!

It has been many months since I've visited my blog or read any other blogs. I haven't felt the need to for awhile. I'm not sure why I have been feeling like writing lately. For two days my feelings have been in turmoil. Not sure why. Not sure what to do about them either. Guess I'll just write. Every time I read blogs here, I end up with an ulcer. Ok...maybe not, but at least a stomachache! Maybe it's my new diet plan. Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds. WHY DO I STILL GET THIS WAY SOMETIMES??? It is so frustrating! I want to completely and wholeheartedly accept my marriage the way it is and be OK with it. Why can't I??? Sometimes I can. I have been able to feel all right for weeks at a time. Then something happens and I feel like I'm back at square one. I know my husband is frustrated with me too. I'm sure he is wondering when/if I will ever be okay. I really do want to be.

I went to Women's Conference at BYU a few weeks ago and left there feeling so uplifted and ready to conquer the world (or at least my own issues). What happened to that feeling? I had great plans to come home and be that person I know I can be. I really feel like I found some answers at the conference, but why can't I implement them in my life? I want to share some of the things I learned with my husband, but I don't think he wants to listen to anything spiritual right now. I always end up feeling kind of silly talking so seriously with him. Then sometimes I feel like maybe I can help him recapture some of the spiritual feelings he used to have. I really do understand why he feels like he does about the Church. I'm not sure that I wouldn't feel and act the exact same way if I were in his shoes. It's all so NOT black and white.

Our intimacy issues continue to be a sore spot for me. What happened? We didn't have any problems a year ago with this. All of a sudden it's a huge deal. I have so many questions about our past sex life. I think I've asked him the same questions about a million times. Were you faking it all those thousands of times? (and I don't mean "faking it" in that sense!) Did you feel obligated to be physical with me? I'm sure he would answer "yes" sometimes. I'm sure I would too. Every time we were intimate, were you really with me? Do you like to touch me? Do you like it when I touch you or would you rather I not? This is where I am right now in my thinking. I don't touch him because I wonder if he's getting grossed out. After 22 years you would think I would be a little more secure! GEEZ. So...I'm not sure where to go with this. Part of me wants to just go for it and see what happens. Maybe we can get our old "spark" (or whatever it was) back. It's so complicated. That reminds me...there's a song by Bon Jovi called "Complicated" that was written about my husband. Wow...that was random. I am all about random thoughts. I can't just focus on one thought for long. My brain is going a million miles an hour usually.

Whew...I feel better. This entry may not make a bit of sense to anyone but me. However, I feel like part of my load has been lifted. I need to do this more often.