Random Thoughts

So, I have been wanting to write for several weeks, but I am NEVER alone in my house. I can't have people reading over my shoulder, wondering what I'm doing. We are still in the closet...nobody knows about our gay/straight marriage except for you people here and my husband and myself. Sometimes that is a pain, but it's my choice for now. I keep thinking I will get a laptop so I can go in my room and lock the door. FREEDOM! Anyway, I will write what I can in my small time frame. I'm sure chaos will resume shortly here.

First random thought...I read a letter to the editor a few days ago about a woman with five children whose gay husband left her to explore other relationships. I can't even remember why she wrote the letter now, but when I told my husband about it, his first question was, "Her kids are grown and gone, right?". WELL...that started an intense discussion. What difference does that make? It's okay to leave your wife when your kids are gone? I married my husband fully expecting to be with him forever. We were married in the temple, we have children together, we have been married for many years, we've been through a lot together, we are best friends. I honestly thought we'd grow old together and have fun with our grandkids together; stage family reunions and family parties and dinners; go to our grandkids' ball games and dance recitals together, etc. Now all of that is so uncertain. He can't honestly say that he has plans to be with me forever. Remember my doubt issue? It's surfacing again, and it sucks! I went into my marriage assuming a lot of things that weren't true. Guess I should have asked. I love my husband and I want nothing more than for us to be together forever. BUT...I have told him that if he's still gay when we die, I will release him from our marriage. He doesn't have to be with me for all eternity. I did tell him the other night in bed that if he dies first and is still gay, to at least build me a nice mansion before he moves on to his life of eternal gay bliss.

Random thought number two...if I get breast augmentation surgery, will my husband be any more sexually attracted to me? Haha...I know this is a funny question, but the thought has crossed my mind. I asked him and he told me if it would make me feel prettier and sexier, then I should do it. Way to skirt the question! I already know the answer though. Damn. The only reason I have seriously thought about this is because my sister just did it, and she looks hot!

Random thought number three...I think I really am the wife from hell! Thanksgiving weekend my husband's sister and family were in town staying at his parents' house. They have 3 kids, and one of them smells so bad! I was trying to get and keep the house clean because my sister and her husband were arriving the day after Thanksgiving with their 3 kids. They don't come that often so I wanted things to be perfect. Well, that was so unrealistic of me to think that could even happen! We had so many kids everywhere...our own five kids, 4 nieces and nephews (including the stinky one) and several friends. I had just finished the dishes and kitchen when a bunch of them (including my husband) came in a started fixing something to eat even though we had just finished eating an hour ago. I lost it. I went in the bedroom after saying some not-very-nice things and slammed the door. I could hear everyone sitting around the kitchen table making fun of me and laughing at how psycho I am when we have company coming. My husband tells me all the time that when my family comes we have kiss and giggle time even though I've been super grouchy for days beforehand. It's true, but it still pisses me off to hear him say that all the time. Anyway, I grabbed my phone and texted my husband. I said, "You are an asshole." I sent it, and immediately felt bad. I tried to find his phone to erase the message before he saw it, but I couldn't find his phone. I knew I'd regret that text for years to come! I really did feel that way about him at the time, but I shouldn't have said it. We didn't really speak to each other for about a week after that incident, but I am happy to say that it's the source of great amusement now. He even told his mom that I did that, and she said she calls his dad that sometimes too. Haha! Maybe I really am the wife from hell. I don't know.

Random thought number four...why do I feel such guilt about not being the perfect Mormon woman if the celestial kingdom may not even be an option for us? If my husband is still gay in the afterlife, I won't be with him. Neither one of us can live like this eternally. So why even strive for that? It's a lot of work, and if we aren't going to be together anyway, is it worth living like we're supposed to to achieve that glory? There are just so many unanswered questions, and such lack of information. Nobody knows what will happen after we die. I know I need to have faith that things will work out. I know I shouldn't worry about something I have no control over, but that doesn't make this any easier. I just wish I could feel peaceful about our situation.

Whew! I actually finished at one sitting. Only one close call. My daughter came over and started reading over my shoulder. (See! I knew that would happen.) I got all flustered and tried to minimize this, but did something else instead. Whatever. She didn't stay long, and hopefully she saw nothing incriminating. I hate living in a closet sometimes!