CiCi

2010-10-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

My son is gay.

I have been 98% sure of this for at least 3 years. When I read on his Facebook profile that he's "in a relationship" I knew without a doubt. I also knew he needed me to ask who the relationship is with, so I did...I took the bait knowing full well what was in store. I had been wondering how to approach the subject with him, and I'm so thankful we can talk openly about this now. What a relief! He feels relieved too, knowing that his whole family loves him and accepts him just as he is. (Not sure about the extended family...we're not having a coming out party or anything, so we will deal with grandmas and grandpas on a "need to know" basis I guess).

A friend at work today pulled me aside and told me she knows about my son, and it doesn't change how she feels about him at all. She loves him, and it's okay that he's who he is. She hugged me and we cried together.

I feel thankful (can't believe I'm gonna say this...LOL) that I am married to a gay man. I have so much more compassion and understanding for my son than I would if I were married to a hetero man. I am so much more prepared for this news than someone who has never dealt with homosexuality on a personal level. I really feel that our family is closer right now than ever before. We need each other. We draw strength from each other, and it feels so good.

I know our son will have rough times ahead, but he knows he has somewhere to go when he needs to talk or when he needs a hug. He has people to turn to for support and strength and love. I will always love him and accept him exactly as he is. He is my son.

I'm in my 40's....is this normal???

2009-11-09T14:59:00.000-08:00

Yep...I'm feeling complete and total sexual frustration. It's all I can think about. I feel like a teenage boy does (I guess--haha!). What to do? I keep threatening my husband with "I am thinking about getting a boyfriend just to satisfy my physical needs." He always tells me, "Go ahead as long as he is cute." Well, I honestly would NEVER be so shallow. For one thing, nothing is more horrifying to me than taking off my clothes in front of someone besides my husband. Yikes! Another great reason is, I'm pretty sure that path would destroy my marriage, and I'm not willing to do that. Plus there's the fact that I would be committing adultery. I guess I won't really get a boyfriend. I do think about it sometimes though!

PS...I know ALL of you can relate to this post! Haha!

Bishop Blues

2009-11-05T08:57:00.000-08:00

This is the FIRST time in my 43 years of life that I've really, really questioned anything church related. I know the Gospel is true. Period. BUT...I'm not sure how I feel about the human beings governing our church. Having a very hard time with our Bishop. My husband and I have known him for 20 years, most of those years in a non-religious setting. I know too much about him personally to really feel comfortable with him in the role of Bishop. I know deep in my heart it's wrong for me to judge him, and it's probably wrong for me to even question WHY he is the Bishop. But I am questioning it. Our son turned 8 in June. We had an extra busy summer and decided to wait until fall to baptize him when more of our family could be here with us. With the previous baptisms in our family, I called the Primary President to arrange the baptism and made an appointment with the Bishop for the child to be interviewed. Not so with child #5! The Bishop called my husband in for an interview. I can understand this I guess. We haven't been attending church regularly. I have worked a lot of Sundays this summer, and when I'm not here nobody goes to church. I'll say it....our family is inactive. (ouch!) First of all, the Bishop seemed surprised that my husband still wears his garments. I think he believes inactivity=sin. Anyway, he proceeded to conduct a temple interview to determine whether or not my husband is worthy to baptize our son. Needless to say, he did not "pass" the interview, and according to our Bishop, he is apparently NOT WORTHY. His sins are his inactivity in the church and our lack of tithing payments. I get the church attendance. I don't get the tithing part of it. What would have happened if my husband would have admitted that he is gay? Wow. He may have been excommunicated on the spot! I am half tempted to gather some priesthood holders together and go baptize our son in the river. Is that even "legal"? Anyway, for the time being our son will go unbaptized until we can muster up enough faith to be full tithe payers.

The previous experience is not the only reason I have a hard time with our Bishop. I'm really not looking for a reason to be inactive. I feel bad for my husband who struggles with the church anway because of his homosexuality. He never really feels accepted and comfortable there like I do. I'm sure many of you can totally relate to this. Being a Mormon is challenging when everything is "normal". Being a Mormon is EXTRA challenging when things aren't the "norm". Can I just schedule a meeting with Jesus Christ??? I have a few things I want to ask Him.

Ignorance

2009-10-09T09:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I've had my monthly meltdown, and I feel ready to face life and deal with "things" sanely again. I can't believe I get so emotional and OUT OF CONTROL twelve times a year. WHY??? Is there some drug I can take that will keep my behavior in check during these times? My poor, poor husband. He really does try so hard to understand and make me feel better. But, he is right....nothing he does or says makes me feel better when I am like this. I'm pretty sure he is at least as frustrated as I am! Anyway, I'm good to go for another month or so. Bring it on!

I was waiting to donate blood the other day, and this woman I know had just finished reading that red foldered booklet the American Cross requires each donor to read. She made a comment to me that really pissed me off (for lack of a better term). She said, "Have you ever slept with a gay man? I can't believe they even ask that question!!!" and she said this is a very disgusted tone of voice. I made the comment that I actually have slept with a gay man. Of course she laughed it off and went about her ignorant ways. I don't know why that made me so upset. I guess because she's one of those "holier than thou" mormon women who don't really know what they're saying a lot of times. I went home and told my husband what had happened and how much I hate this person. He just laughed and had compassion for her because of her ignorance. (And hate is not too strong a word to use because I've had other "ignorant" experiences with this same woman. I know her quite well.)

Another ignorant experience...I was visiting my parents last week for a few days. I love to see my Mom and Dad. They are great people and so much fun to be around. However, they too are ignorant. Dad was telling me about a high school principal or some other school official who knew about a male teacher who had sexually abused a 13 year old boy but did not report it. He then went on to say that the reason he didn't report it is because "he's one of those gay rights activists". WOW! My own father. He is basically saying that gay men are pedophiles! How many other heterosexual people think this is true?

I am shocked at the level of ignorance out there! It really upsets me. I hope be able to feel compassion for these people someday, but right now it just makes me mad. I am happy my husband is so tolerant. I guess he's been dealing with this issue on a very personal basis for a long, long time. It's only been 3 years for me. Sometimes I think coming out to our families would be helpful as far as the ignorance is concerned.

I am thankful our children are so tolerant and accepting of people who are different than they are. Our daughters' seminary teacher has said so many ignorant things concerning homosexuality. One of our girls gets so upset about this! She is usually in tears by the time she finishes telling us about what had been said. We tell her that the teacher is not a bad person, but just ignorant. Some of what she teaches the kids about homosexuality is not even gospel doctrine, as far as I know. We have a lot of discussions around the dinner table about gay people. We watched "Prayers for Bobby" as a family, and we've talked about it a lot. I am proud of our children for standing up for what they believe.

My Hero

2009-06-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

I don't always have "downer" days. Today is one of those days when I feel at peace with my marriage. All it takes is for my husband to do something really nice for me, and I know it's all worthwhile.

I am co-director of girls' camp, and the other director is my best friend. Well, due to health problems that have to be resolved immediately, she is unable to go to camp. CAMP IS IN 3 DAYS!!! I just found out yesterday that I'm going it alone. Yes, I freaked out. I'm not good at spur of the moment anything. Well, I have the most understanding husband in the world I think. He made me feel sooooo much better. Said ALL the right things, went with me to get a humongous diet Pepsi, and was just so supportive and compassionate. I realized that when I think times are rough, and I'm not sure about being married to who I'm married to....I need to remember the little, super nice things he does for me. I feel very fortunate.

One more nice thing....he took our girls' shopping for stuff they need for basketball camp next week. This may not seem like a big deal, but we live 100 miles from the nearest mall. I was planning on doing it, but have been sick for the past couple of days and have been working anyway. I had planned on leaving after work this afternoon even though I really didn't feel up to it. I was just gonna suck it up and do it anyway. Well...my husband to the rescue again. I just really appreciate all the little things he does that he doesn't feel are a big deal. They are to me. THANK YOU, sweetie. I know you're reading this post.

Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds!

2009-05-26T17:00:00.000-07:00

It has been many months since I've visited my blog or read any other blogs. I haven't felt the need to for awhile. I'm not sure why I have been feeling like writing lately. For two days my feelings have been in turmoil. Not sure why. Not sure what to do about them either. Guess I'll just write. Every time I read blogs here, I end up with an ulcer. Ok...maybe not, but at least a stomachache! Maybe it's my new diet plan. Read gay blogs, lose 10 pounds. WHY DO I STILL GET THIS WAY SOMETIMES??? It is so frustrating! I want to completely and wholeheartedly accept my marriage the way it is and be OK with it. Why can't I??? Sometimes I can. I have been able to feel all right for weeks at a time. Then something happens and I feel like I'm back at square one. I know my husband is frustrated with me too. I'm sure he is wondering when/if I will ever be okay. I really do want to be.

I went to Women's Conference at BYU a few weeks ago and left there feeling so uplifted and ready to conquer the world (or at least my own issues). What happened to that feeling? I had great plans to come home and be that person I know I can be. I really feel like I found some answers at the conference, but why can't I implement them in my life? I want to share some of the things I learned with my husband, but I don't think he wants to listen to anything spiritual right now. I always end up feeling kind of silly talking so seriously with him. Then sometimes I feel like maybe I can help him recapture some of the spiritual feelings he used to have. I really do understand why he feels like he does about the Church. I'm not sure that I wouldn't feel and act the exact same way if I were in his shoes. It's all so NOT black and white.

Our intimacy issues continue to be a sore spot for me. What happened? We didn't have any problems a year ago with this. All of a sudden it's a huge deal. I have so many questions about our past sex life. I think I've asked him the same questions about a million times. Were you faking it all those thousands of times? (and I don't mean "faking it" in that sense!) Did you feel obligated to be physical with me? I'm sure he would answer "yes" sometimes. I'm sure I would too. Every time we were intimate, were you really with me? Do you like to touch me? Do you like it when I touch you or would you rather I not? This is where I am right now in my thinking. I don't touch him because I wonder if he's getting grossed out. After 22 years you would think I would be a little more secure! GEEZ. So...I'm not sure where to go with this. Part of me wants to just go for it and see what happens. Maybe we can get our old "spark" (or whatever it was) back. It's so complicated. That reminds me...there's a song by Bon Jovi called "Complicated" that was written about my husband. Wow...that was random. I am all about random thoughts. I can't just focus on one thought for long. My brain is going a million miles an hour usually.

Whew...I feel better. This entry may not make a bit of sense to anyone but me. However, I feel like part of my load has been lifted. I need to do this more often.

New Techniques for Turning Your Man On!!!

2009-01-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

It has been very slow at work lately and I've been flipping through different magazines lying around. Sex seems to be the main topic in most of them...man/woman sex....heterosexual sex. How to please your man....New "never fail" technique for putting the spark back in your relationship....Make him WANT you with this one small trick....etc. I used to love to read this kind of article. I thought I was gaining all kinds of knowledge that would for sure work in my marriage. BUT...that was BEFORE I found out the one thing that has changed how I feel about almost everything. Isn't there an abbreviation for that? (You know...like B.C. and A.D.) Anyway, I hardly ever read those articles now. It's okay because they never really worked anyway! Haha!

Speaking of written word that doesn't really apply to me...the book by Dr. Laura "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Hmmmm. I read that one front to back just knowing that it would change my life and our marriage. The whole time I was reading it I kept thinking that my husband's needs are more than the several Dr. Laura mentions in her book. I realized even back then that our marriage was not like most. My husband needs more than food and sex to be happy. Sure, some of the stuff applies, but he's not that simple.

Looking back on our marriage there are alot of signs that things were not really as they appeared to be. I thought it was weird that he didn't really get off on seeing me in lingerie. Not even when we first got married and I looked great in it. I wasn't really upset about that, I just eventually gave it all to my sister. I also thought it was strange that he wasn't into sex as much as I was. I'm not saying I haven't had my dry spells. I have just always heard that men want sex all the time. Not in my marriage. I think the main reason I never suspected I have a gay husband is that he has always seemed to like to have sex with me. That part of our marriage has been really good most of the time. Even though the quantity isn't the best, the quality is great!

Now that I know what I do, I am pretty reluctant to start anything physical. I am even afraid that kissing him is not the right thing to do. Does he hate it? Does he want to puke every time I touch him in a sexual way? Does he have to fantasize every time we're together to make things work? I really did think we had a good if not great sex life. Now I'm just not sure. He says things are not the same since I know his big secret. He is worried he is not man enough for me. His manhood has never been an issue in my eyes. I don't think he is any less of a man because he is gay. I am still just as physically attracted to him as I always have been. I still love to have sex with him!

All of this is probably more than any of you wanted to know, but I'm sure we are not alone in how we feel. I just love my husband, and I don't want to be celibate. LOL...that makes me laugh. I told him I am going into the convent soon. Sister CiCi. I don't think I'd look great in a nun's habit, so I guess I'll stay married and Mormon for now. I do wish someone would come out with a magazine article or a "how to" book just for me. Maybe I'll give Dr. Laura a call.

Random Thoughts

2008-12-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

So, I have been wanting to write for several weeks, but I am NEVER alone in my house. I can't have people reading over my shoulder, wondering what I'm doing. We are still in the closet...nobody knows about our gay/straight marriage except for you people here and my husband and myself. Sometimes that is a pain, but it's my choice for now. I keep thinking I will get a laptop so I can go in my room and lock the door. FREEDOM! Anyway, I will write what I can in my small time frame. I'm sure chaos will resume shortly here.

First random thought...I read a letter to the editor a few days ago about a woman with five children whose gay husband left her to explore other relationships. I can't even remember why she wrote the letter now, but when I told my husband about it, his first question was, "Her kids are grown and gone, right?". WELL...that started an intense discussion. What difference does that make? It's okay to leave your wife when your kids are gone? I married my husband fully expecting to be with him forever. We were married in the temple, we have children together, we have been married for many years, we've been through a lot together, we are best friends. I honestly thought we'd grow old together and have fun with our grandkids together; stage family reunions and family parties and dinners; go to our grandkids' ball games and dance recitals together, etc. Now all of that is so uncertain. He can't honestly say that he has plans to be with me forever. Remember my doubt issue? It's surfacing again, and it sucks! I went into my marriage assuming a lot of things that weren't true. Guess I should have asked. I love my husband and I want nothing more than for us to be together forever. BUT...I have told him that if he's still gay when we die, I will release him from our marriage. He doesn't have to be with me for all eternity. I did tell him the other night in bed that if he dies first and is still gay, to at least build me a nice mansion before he moves on to his life of eternal gay bliss.

Random thought number two...if I get breast augmentation surgery, will my husband be any more sexually attracted to me? Haha...I know this is a funny question, but the thought has crossed my mind. I asked him and he told me if it would make me feel prettier and sexier, then I should do it. Way to skirt the question! I already know the answer though. Damn. The only reason I have seriously thought about this is because my sister just did it, and she looks hot!

Random thought number three...I think I really am the wife from hell! Thanksgiving weekend my husband's sister and family were in town staying at his parents' house. They have 3 kids, and one of them smells so bad! I was trying to get and keep the house clean because my sister and her husband were arriving the day after Thanksgiving with their 3 kids. They don't come that often so I wanted things to be perfect. Well, that was so unrealistic of me to think that could even happen! We had so many kids everywhere...our own five kids, 4 nieces and nephews (including the stinky one) and several friends. I had just finished the dishes and kitchen when a bunch of them (including my husband) came in a started fixing something to eat even though we had just finished eating an hour ago. I lost it. I went in the bedroom after saying some not-very-nice things and slammed the door. I could hear everyone sitting around the kitchen table making fun of me and laughing at how psycho I am when we have company coming. My husband tells me all the time that when my family comes we have kiss and giggle time even though I've been super grouchy for days beforehand. It's true, but it still pisses me off to hear him say that all the time. Anyway, I grabbed my phone and texted my husband. I said, "You are an asshole." I sent it, and immediately felt bad. I tried to find his phone to erase the message before he saw it, but I couldn't find his phone. I knew I'd regret that text for years to come! I really did feel that way about him at the time, but I shouldn't have said it. We didn't really speak to each other for about a week after that incident, but I am happy to say that it's the source of great amusement now. He even told his mom that I did that, and she said she calls his dad that sometimes too. Haha! Maybe I really am the wife from hell. I don't know.

Random thought number four...why do I feel such guilt about not being the perfect Mormon woman if the celestial kingdom may not even be an option for us? If my husband is still gay in the afterlife, I won't be with him. Neither one of us can live like this eternally. So why even strive for that? It's a lot of work, and if we aren't going to be together anyway, is it worth living like we're supposed to to achieve that glory? There are just so many unanswered questions, and such lack of information. Nobody knows what will happen after we die. I know I need to have faith that things will work out. I know I shouldn't worry about something I have no control over, but that doesn't make this any easier. I just wish I could feel peaceful about our situation.

Whew! I actually finished at one sitting. Only one close call. My daughter came over and started reading over my shoulder. (See! I knew that would happen.) I got all flustered and tried to minimize this, but did something else instead. Whatever. She didn't stay long, and hopefully she saw nothing incriminating. I hate living in a closet sometimes!

Basketball and Life

2008-11-23T21:51:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at my daughter's high school basketball game a couple of days ago, and I started thinking about "things". Our team wasn't doing so well...we were down by about 20 points. The thought came into my mind that life is a lot like a basketball game. Before the game began, everyone was all excited and pumped up to play. The music was loud, the energy level was high, the attitudes were all positive...we were going to win! No doubt about it! Things were great until the other team scored, and scored , and scored again. Wow...all of a sudden things weren't so "for sure". What we thought was going to be a fairly easy victory, suddenly wasn't anymore. Our team ended up losing the game by quite a few points. Spirits were down and that positive energy that was there in the beginning wasn't there anymore. We all felt bad for a few hours or a day or two, but then things got back to normal and everybody is ok. Life goes on. There will be another game to play on another day, and our attitudes will be positive again and the energy will be high.

This just reminds me so much of my life lately. Ups and downs, high energy and no energy, positive attitude and negative attitude. Maybe nothing is how I imagined it would be, but I am hanging in there and everything is turning out ok. Maybe I don't feel like I'm winning at the game of life all the time, but today ends and there is always tomorrow to start over with a new attitude and renewed hope.

The Things I Like Most About Being Married to a Gay Man

2008-11-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

Since my post last night was pretty emotional...here's a light hearted one.

THE THINGS I LIKE MOST ABOUT BEING MARRIED TO A GAY MAN:

*He watches chick flicks with me. He will actually go to a theater to do this! No hiding in the house with the blinds closed for him. He is not embarrassed about it at all. I think it's great!
*He likes to go shopping. I have never had to hurry because he is complaining. Doesn't happen.
*We have great conversations. He is very easy to talk to, and he likes to listen to me (or at least he does a great job of pretending to like it).
*He washes dishes A LOT.
*He knows how to cook, and doesn't mind doing dinner duties once in awhile.
*He loves being a dad. He genuinely loves spending time with our kids.
*He is very affectionate. Lots of hugs!
*He is masculine. Anyone who thinks all gay men are femmy....not so.
*He is just a great, honest, strong, compassionate person, and I love him in spite of our differences!

Scared...what's new

2008-11-09T21:56:00.000-08:00

First, a little about myself and my story. I am married to a gay man. We have been married for 21 years, but I have only known about his homosexuality for 2 1/2 years. When he came out to me, I honestly thought I was alone in my shock, horror and despair. I had NO idea how many wives are dealing with the same feelings I am. I started looking online and discovered so many sites dealing with my same situation. I have to say, most of what I read at first was soooooo negative and angry. Almost every marriage I read about failed or became an "open" marriage so both partners could have what they need physically. Wow. It was very depressing. I was just trying to get some support from people who totally understand, and everyone was telling me not to believe my husband. Expect the worst and be prepared for it financially, emotionally, etc. Have a PLAN B. Expect him to cheat on you if he hasn't already. Well, my husband is not like that! But, I began to doubt and those seeds of doubt crept in and invade my thoughts so much. I still suffer from feelings of doubt on a daily basis. I believe my husband is telling me the truth, but (yep, here comes the doubt again!)...I can't seem to shake it. I just want to be sure, to KNOW that he isn't looking for someone, to KNOW that he isn't and hasn't cheated on me, and to KNOW that he doesn't want to leave. It's just a confusing and difficult situation. I think I have my emotions all under control and then all of a sudden I don't.

A couple of days ago, my husband asked me what I thought about him going to have lunch with a man he met online. I knew he had connected with one of the bloggers here, and really enjoys chatting with him. I have noticed that this friend makes him feel so much better about himself and about the church, and I appreciate that. However, I have to be honest about this. I HATED the thought of him meeting this friend in person. Then I found out that he had to drive four hours to do it. I was shocked that he was really planning on doing that. I don't know why I was so shocked. He traveled thousands of miles to meet another online friend last summer. (Hmmm...maybe I have reason for this DOUBT creeping in all the time) Anyway, he knew how I felt and how worried and upset I was, but he went anyway. He doesn't think I trust him. That's not really it. I am worried that he is playing with fire so to speak. I know nothing happened that was inappropriate, but he put his foot in the door. How many more of his online friends will he have to meet? Is this going to be how it is from now on? Blogging, chatting and meeting....blogging, chatting and meeting? I may be overreacting, but I dare say that most other wives in my situation would feel pretty much the same. It honestly freaks me out.

I hate that my husband has to reassure me all the time about how much he loves me and how pretty I am and how he still desires me physically even though I'm a woman. I want to just be confident in who I am. I don't want to depend on him all the time for how I feel about myself. I know he has to be getting sick of trying to make me feel better all the time. I really feel sorry for him having to deal with me sometimes. BUT...I also know now that the way I feel is not strange. That there are other wives out there who feel this way too. I have kept how I feel inside for 2 1/2 years, only talking about it with my husband. None of my friends or family know anything because this is how I want it to be. I hope blogging will help me release some of these feelings so I can maybe become a more compassionate, supportive wife to my husband who has enough of his own things to deal with. I really do love him!